It’s valentines morning and my husband is fast asleep for another 10 minutes.  Our situation has changed as I have relocated for a better job.  It took 6 weeks for my husband to join me.  It was incredibly stressful for me.  The moment he did, though, he also decided this wasn’t the place for him and he would be moving us for a job of his own as soon as possible.

I think I have figured out what we lost or what I lost.  I lost the feeling of reverance I once had for him.  Just this weekend we spent time talking and he finally unraveled the mystery for me. . . he does not plan and never has.  He just sort of takes things as they come.  He has never really pursued a job but continues to dabble in internet marketing.

It’s valentines day and I bought a card but honestly . . . should I continue to make him feel good about himself?  Should I tell him things I don’t feel when he can’t pull his own weight?

This is the other side of love I guess.  The side that looks at a human being and sees nothing of value but cares for that person inspite of it.  If I was not reading my Bible every day and did not have God’s grace in my heart I would not be able to offer anything to this man.  I know I am incapbable of unconditional love yet I feel as though this is a glimpse of it.

It is clear to me that this man I have hitched myself to is not EVER going to be able to give what I need.  Yes, he listens and is great at building me up but I see a boredom in his eyes.  He isn’t listening at the end of the day because he wants to, he is listening because it’s his duty.  He does not plan anything for our wedding anniversary – though we made it 20 years this year – he is not invested in this relationship in very many ways.

My husband planned two vacations for himself this year.  He says he went with his brother but I have no real way to know.  I don’t trust that that is all he is doing and I don’t know if I will ever get trust back.  YET I do trust my God and I trust that he has my best interest at heart.  He knows and sees what is going on and he can offer everything my husband cannot.

I want to heal completely from the pain in this marriage but I have come to realize that my forgiveness is not as resilient as it once was.  I have to rely on God for it.  I do worry that my feelings for my husband will die completely.  He’s not happy any more and I suppose this is his problem and the crux of what is wrong in our marriage.  He’s just not into it.  He would prefer to be single and living on the beach.  While he may get his wish it won’t be until my kids are gone.

Happy Valentines Sweetheart.

5 stages of grief

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

I keep going back and forth between depression and acceptance.  That is where I am after a year of knowing my husband cheated on me.  It is a long process.

Building a new life is tempting.  I want to move.  My kid is in college and the amount I have to pay every month is more than my mortgage.

It’s time for me to make a new start with my husband.  A new place, a new church, new people and new challenges.  I can embark on this journey with new hope.   It will be a blessing to leave a house behind that has scars for me.  My husband doesn’t understand how much I hate our house.

He doesn’t know how memories crop up when I turn the corner into our bedroom, or stand staring out the kitchen window.  I’m not saying there are no happy memories . . . I’m saying all memories in the house are grayed out by memories that everything I put into our home was for naught.

I built some friendships in this town but only one real one and it is tempered by the fact she KNOWS.  I’m happy to move on.

What makes me afraid is that he may feel he has “settled” for me and our relationship.  Isn’t that what a midlife crisis is about?  Coming to the awareness that life is not what you hoped but is rather a series of compromises?  I have felt despondent on occasion.  I wanted to be the love of his life not the one he settled for.  It is a disappointment and always will be.  I will ALWAYS know the sharp sorrow of grief in my marriage.  My sorrow includes the knowledge that I disappointed him in one or more ways.

I didn’t disappoint him because I am bad or unloving or unavailable . . . I was just a disappointment to him.

I watch my sister push everyone away who cares about her and I know she grasps to have significance in life.  As a result she makes many mistakes that affect not only her life but the lives of everyone around her.  I did have very low self esteem for a while but nothing to compare to how it could have been and is for my sister.

I love life too much.  I want to go into a new chapter in my life with the grace that comes from knowing I have value.  I have value as a person and as a part of God’s plan.  I want to be woven into His plan in a way that I continue to know I have value.

I have hopes for the future.

A sisters marriage is in shambles and she is hurting everyone around her including her family, friends and children – never mind the poor man she was married to.

It’s interesting that when this particular sister was warned against marrying this man she was stubborn.  Now she blames her family.  She is shacked up with another man and her husband refuses to sign divorce papers.  Her teens have been left to blow in the wind but she wants them to as proof that her husband is a moron.  Gosh.  Why do kids have to pay for the sins of the parents?  It’s disturbing on so many levels.

As I watch I am grateful that my marriage is indeed healing.  My husband and I seem to have come to an understanding that we are going to stick together.  My husband has expressed his gratitude on several occasions that we are still married.

My respect for him grows every day as he leaves to drive 2 hours to be a door to door salesman.  It’s VERY difficult even though he is a master at talking to strangers and making them feel comfortable.  This is the look them in the eye and sell them.  Wow!  I know he is weary of it already but he gets up every morning and makes the drive and then returns home late at night to fall exhausted into bed.  The fact that he is working so hard makes me feel like he meant what he said when he said he would do whatever it takes to win me back.  He is keeping his word and it is lifting my spirits.

It’s nice to get it down in writing so I can acknowledge the fact I am not missing it.

Well, I’m off to work and looking forward to a productive day.

Since my husband got a new job he seems happier.  He is very busy and the work is very tiring but I am proud of him for making the commitment and doing something difficult.  I know it will help us not just financially but because I can start to respect him again.

I don’t know what made him stop doing what needed to be done.

It’s been a year – you know, since he cheated on me.  I guess a year really isn’t a very long time.  It still haunts me.  Maybe that means I still have unresolved issues with it but I don’t know.  I hate thinking about it.

In the mean time I watch other relationships fall apart and go through a lot of nastiness.  I guess I would be in a nasty divorce now too if he had continued his waywardness.  I don’t know why he chose me – less complex maybe but I don’t feel the way I once did about our relationship.

I know it’s sad but its also no longer so completely naive.  I feel more mature but in a sad sort of way.   I have learned my limits and some of my strengths and I feel myself moving forward in a startlingly strong way.  I’m educated and I’m experienced and I’m in charge of many aspects of my own life.

Yet, reflecting on the year I also feel small and weak and hopeless.  However, I no longer fear he will choose someone else – not because he won’t  – but because I will be okay if he does.  My teenagers are growing up and I’m getting to the place in my life where some of my hang-ups have disappeared.  It has started to shock my husband on occasion because I am acting out of character.  It’s doesn’t shock me though.

What do I want moving forward into a new year of my bruised marriage?  Mostly a companion.  Mostly I want to go through this next year with someone I respect who reciprocates the feeling.  Someone who isn’t so busy running to fill his own needs that he has room in his life for the needs of others.

Maybe it just comes down to my relationship with God.  Because others around me are falling apart I realize staying together is a miracle.  Being in a 20 year relationship is a miracle.

My previous post turned out to not be true.

It did force me, however, to realize I was too paranoid.   I had a right to be but when working toward reconciliation it is not helpful.  It is too stressful.

My husband seems to be back with me and the family 98%.  The 2% I reserve for my lack of trust.

In the past couple of months I have had my own crisis in trying to determine whether or not I really wanted to stay married to him.  I felt lost, lonely and confused.  I can’t say I feel confident now but I’m getting there.

There are moments, in the quiet of morning, when all feels right with the world.  Then there are the quiet moments when dread creeps up on me and I cry. 

I guess it’s all part of the process.

I been getting a funny vibe so went back to the phone records.

Guess what – bet you can’t guess.  Oh you guessed it.  She’s back.

She and it looks like others.  He spends hours texting people I don’t know – in other words – he spends 4 hours texting the same person and texting this person every day.  I don’t want to call the number and I can’t go through this again.  I have too many other challenges in my life right now.  This is over the top for me and I won’t recover this time.

Not sure what I am going to do other than PRAY and see where it leads.

Yeah, it’s devastating to know someone so little.

I’ve retreated too far and he can’t get me back.  I will let him make the next move – I’m all out of moves.

It’s amazing, you know?  You give a person a break and they just shove it in your face.

I know, I know, I should confront him but the fight is gone out of me.  I just can’t be what or who he wants.  I wish he would just move on.

Wow, it’s finally getting there.  Healing!  I haven’t been patient about it but I’m certainly grateful.  I’ve stopped thinking about her all the time.  It’s faded to sometimes when my husband says something that triggers the thought or when I sit out under the stars in the hot tub alone.

Yet, I do feel as if healing has happened enough for me to notice.  It has been subtle and has taken more time than I would like but it is happening.  What a relief.

My husband was out of town for two weeks and I was happy having the time alone even though I missed him – a lot.  When he returned I felt the stress level ratchet up 10 notches.  My kids felt it too and they even told him they felt it.  I can over analyze this phenomenon but I think I already know what it’s about.  When he is home EVERYTHING revolves around him and what he wants.  I can’t relax because of his schedule or his hunger or whatever.  I think our marriage has always been that way and now that I’m fully aware of what’s going on I’m working on it.

The other night I sat on the sofa in front of the TV totally enjoying myself while he did the dishes.  I knew I needed to jump up and help (it’s the way I was raised) but I forced myself to stay on the sofa.  I was soooooo tired and it was such a relief to have someone else taking care of the dishes.  He really didn’t seem to mind being in the kitchen and I know he likes it better when things are clean.  It really was a gift.

In my humble opinion, this gift was from both of us.  He did the dishes and I let him.  It kind of stressed me out but I let it go.  This gift is the key, I believe, to my health.  I can let this relationship balance out without freaking.  I can let those around me do their share without hounding them and without being angry when they don’t.  I can also give myself permission to let the dishes sit until someone else does them.  It’s a tiny step, I know, but my health depends on lowering the stress level in my life.  It’s tough when I have a stressful job where I am unappreciated and everything I do is questioned at multiple levels.  I have to defend every decision I make with loads of documentation.  Everyone around me loves to get in a tizzy.  I try to stay even keeled but it takes it’s toll.  Some days I want to drop in a heap at the end of the day.

Nevertheless, today I feel blessed with healing and I’m grateful.

Sometimes love comes at you unexpected.  I know it did for me when got to know  my husband and it is now while he is out of town visiting his family.  It isn’t so much what he does but rather it is me.  I can take it easy and relax.  I know that in the past I have lost respect for myself.

Last night I felt the need to scribble down some thoughts.  I grabbed one of many journals I have and I couldn’t believe I found Mar 31 1998 notes.  I was going through lymes disease at the time and was on heavy doses of antibiotics.  In my notes I found that I was exhausted and not feeling great but my journal said I was feeling great – aside from joint pain!  Anyway, I was intrigued by the positive attitude that came through the writing about what I was eating, the amount of exercise I was getting and the fact that many days I was going to bed at 6 pm.

So, I was a happy soul then.  I was dirt poor, living in a moldy basement apartment and I was ill.  Taking care of a 2 year old and a 5 year old at the time was a challenge and I was seriously challenged to be patient and nice.  Huh.  I feel that way now.  I have a hard time being nice.  I am not positive and my patience is shot.  Well, I don’t have Lymes disease any more so I don’t have to be challenged with being patient and kind.

I can be happy in the rain.  I don’t have to blue when the sun is shining.  I think at this point it’s a choice about my attitude.

So, now I choose happiness and I can let God fill me with happiness but how do I keep from chasing my joy away?  That is the million dollar question for me now.  My teenagers really need me to be positive and happy.  Some days I do it but then I fall into this black mood and am not a nice person.  Then I feel guilty and am even grumpier.

NOT TODAY.  Today I managed it.  Today is a day I want to use as a template!  Go me! Go!

I love it when the sun is shining and it is!  I should feel incredibly happy yet I feel blue.  What’s up with that?

Hormones?  Nope

Overworked? Nope

Mother-in-law has cancer?  Perhaps

Mostly I think I just want to be with HIM.  I email, text and call but the time we talk to least is when we are in the same room together.  I guess I don’t have a lot to say because of being so frustrated, feeling taken for granted and wondering what comes next.

I cannot send my 18 year old out into life he must take himself.

I cannot continue to provide work for my husband without jeopardizing my job.

He is just going to have to get on his own 2 feet and start making an income.  I’m getting buried under the stress of holding up the 3 men in my life.  I’m so tired I can’t be nice to any of them.  They just keep demanding more and more.  I’m so busy working and taking care of needs I don’t have time or resources to do anything for myself.

I don’t want this relationship bad enough to keep this up.  I’m sorry his mom is ill and maybe dying.  It’s terrible to contemplate.  Yet, he made me walk that road alone when it was my grandfather because he was busy having an affair.  He either needs to get on his own two feet or let me move on.  I love him but he’s killing me.

I need to figure out how to communicate this to him.  I hate ultimatums and drama but it really is going to kill me through bad health and an inability to change that due to being overwhelmed all the time.